What Went Wong: Movie Review: Les Misérables

Finally, the review I've been putting off for a couple of months. And just in time for the film to have come out on DVD!

Les Misérables (2012)

In 19th-century France, Jean Valjean, who for decades has been hunted by the ruthless policeman Javert after he breaks parole, agrees to care for factory worker Fantine's daughter, Cosette. The fateful decision changes their lives forever. Short synopsis of Les Misérables taken from IMDb.com

Before I get into this review, let me say that this will neither be a gushing love-fest or a lament on how lame the film was. I fall into the middle here. I'll explain, and I'll do it the way I see it. I should note that I take a good deal of my inspiration from a Facebook post from one of my wife's friend's husband (or is it husband's? - that much plural possessive in a row almost makes it sound like polygamy and I ain't going there!) So my style in description gets credited to him, though I couldn't find the post when I was writing this review up in note form, so that I could cite him (not even a name). Sorry man, but I send you a virtual thumbs up just the same.

OK, on to the point. The movie starts out and Wolverine is with a bunch of prisoners who are trying to drag a ship into a dry-dock. Then the singing starts. This movie has a lot of singing. Yeah, I should have expected that, I know.

Wolverine stars as Jean Valjean, a continuously pissed-off mutant with indestructible claws under his knuckles who stole a loaf of French bread and was hunted mercilessly for it. Or maybe its just mutant haters. After all, it was just a loaf of bread. / Source: JustJared.com

Then the guy from Gladiator, Maximus Decimus Meridius, starts singing too! Some time passes. Then the latest version of Catwoman starts singing too! Everybody sings in this movie. But I can live with that. And hey- we would have expected it from that blond girl from Mama Mia!, Amanda Seyfried. She's in there too.

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. And in my spare time, I hunt down wanted criminals for whatever French government happens to be in power at the moment. When I do that, I wear a funny hat and go by the name 'Javert.' And yes, the 'T' is silent. I chase people all my life for stealing bread, so what do you think I will do if you pronounce my name wrong?" / Source: NeutralAccent.com

Back to the plot. Wolverine runs from Maximus, who is hot on his tail. Wolverine gets a new life after a priest saves his butt (one of my favorite parts of the movie, to tell true), and then our man Wolverine becomes a mayor and a business man. But he accidentally does Catwoman wrong and she gets fired and turns to a life of prostitution, then gets tuberculosis and dies. Bummer.

Selina - "I have a thing for black leather" - Kyle plays Fantine, who knocks gimpy Bruce Wayne on his butt, loses her job, turns to desperate acts, shaves her head, gets tuberculosis and then dies. And not necessarily in that order. Oh, and then I sing as a ghost. Like Batman should have been doing, based on the concluding events of The Dark Knight Rises. But that is a whole different story. / Source: A cool CGI rendering of Anne Hathaway found on ComicBookMovie.com

Meanwhile, Wolverine finds out that another man has been accused of being him. That is, being him when he was a paroled prisoner turned-fugitive from justice and not him as mayor and all-around up-standing citizen. So Wolverine decides to turn himself in, but he still has to make things right with Catwoman first. But she dies. But don't worry kids, she'll be back, "in spirit."

Snow White (here-after known as Blond Snow White) plays Cosette (What kind of 'cassette'? VHS? Mini? Eight Track?), who does... stuff. And sings a lot, just like everybody in this movie. / Source: A combination of FanPop.com (for the Snow White) and SkyHDWallpapers.com (for Ms. Seyfired's head). P.S.: Sorry about the bad Photoshop job. I'm not pro, by any means.

Obviously, Maximus tries to catch Wolverine. As if. Wolverine totally jumps out the window. I'd have liked it better if he'd popped out those adamantium claws, but then what do I know? And then he (Wolverine) goes and starts a new life again, with Blond Snow White (my wife leaned over during this part and quipped that Amanda Seyfried sounded like Snow White, so that's where this observation comes from) in tow. Oh yeah, and there was this weird scene with Bellatrix Lestrange and Borat running an inn and stealing from everybody who comes through the door and, of course, singing about it as they do.

So then we fast-forward - again - and it's the 1830s and the French are in revolt again. There's a lot of early-twenty-something kids I don't know, and everybody sings with a British accent (funny, I thought this was a French story), and people get drunk and get excited and make a barricade in the middle of Paris and then get killed. Oh wait, except for this one kid who loves Blond Snow White, but Wolverine saves him by dragging the kid's limp, almost-dead body through the sewers. As a relevant aside here, props go to whoever made the sewer scene look like it was full of human excrement. Ick.

Oh yeah, before the sewer part, Wolverine takes pity on Maximus, who infiltrated the revolutionaries and was found out and trussed up as a hostage. But Wolverine says he isn't letting Maximus off the hook to cut a deal, but only because he's a good person now and found God and that sort of thing. Maximus, like any truly dedicated-to-ball-busting lawman, says he'll still chase Wolverine just the same. Wolverine says: OK, come and get me. No, he really means it! He even tells Maximus where and when. And not like you do when you're telling somebody where and when to get off. I mean he literally says something like: "three o'clock at the corner of Fifth and Main, and I'll come quietly." That's pretty gutsy.

Young actress Isabelle Allen is hardly even in the film, but she gets the honor of being the look-alike for the iconic image of "Les Miz." Makes you wonder how they got her to look so sad and yet so resolute. Promised her a puppy? Or a hundred thousand dollars? After all, this movie must have made a frontend loader full of cash. / Source: Wikipedia.com

Then there is some stuff about how Blond Snow White and the one kid that Wolverine dragged to safety through the sewers are in love, even though Bellatrix Lestrange and Borat's little girl (all growed up now too) just happens to love this boy too and even took a bullet for him at the barricade. It's all very complicated, but it gives reason to have lots of really pretty singing and emotional scenes and stuff.

And by the way, Maximus couldn't believe how good a guy Wolverine turned out to be, saving his life and everything, so he goes and kills himself. And yes, he sings about it before doing it. In a real sad way. It's a fairly moving scene, to be honest. Just to let you know.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Wolverine is getting old. Well he should be. He's been in the comics since 1974. And he was a grown man back then. Yes, I'm getting off topic again. Sorry.

The first appearance of Wolverine was in this edition of The Incredible Hulk, from the year 1974. I knew that because I looked it up. I'm not a comic book guy. "Worst - caption - ever." / Source: Wikipedia

So Wolverine is dying, and Blond Snow White and her new hubby go and find him after Bellatrix Lestrange and Borat crash their wedding reception and spill the beans about where our long-lived ex-con is. Blond Snow White and boy who Wolverine dragged through the sewers (for lack of a better name- sorry, but all those French names get jumbled together real quick for me) go to his side and he dies, while Catwoman's ghost sings a pretty song to him (told you she'd be back in here somewhere). And then there is this scene where everybody who was killed trying to muck up the French government with their whole barricade solution (if I ever write a short story, it should be called "The Barricade Solution") are all there. And singing, of course. About: "The Song of Angry Men."

And then the movie ends. Whew. Where did the time go?

The question you'd ask yourself now is: Well, did he like this movie? And I'm gonna tell you. Yes, I thought it was good. Not as good as my wife did, though. She cried at the end. And I admit, it was moving. But I wasn't moved nearly as much as most people. To be honest, I kept waiting for the songs to get over. The musical moments that most people surely found inspiring always seemed a tad drawn-out to me. But what do I know? Broadway and such are not my realm.

Now one big factor was that we watched the movie from the front row! The theater was quite crowded that night. I'll admit, it was a very cinematic film, but when you spend two hours and then some looking almost straight up and at an angle, it gets kinda tiring. / Source: Amanda Seyfried from TurnTheRightCorner.com and the edited (by me) version of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 silhouette from Alex4d.Wordpress.com

Just the same, I'm glad my wife enjoyed it, and I did appreciate it more than I would have previously thought, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see it again. Frankly, I'd have rather spent our precious regular theater gift card dollars on The Hobbit, or even the new Tom Cruise flick, Jack Reacher (they were both newly out when this review was first penned in note form). Or maybe that new Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D (sarcastically put, that last - don't expect a review of that movie anytime soon on this blog. I like scary movies, not stupid remakes done to death and then gimmicked up with silly 3D effects).

Heck, I figured taking my woman to a "foreign film" would lead to beau-coup making out. Boy was I wrong! / Source: HappinessBlog.com

Back to Les Misérables. You know, I kept wondering to myself why everybody was trying to be so dang noble! The most realistic characters in the whole movie were the two thieves, played by Bonham-Carter (Bellatrix Lestange of Harry Potter film fame, that is) and Cohen (Borat, from that movie I never watched). They were scoundrels right down to the core. Everybody else was so busy trying to be so good that they just ended up living up to their monikers as "The Miserables."

Now after having read my comments above, you may say I just didn't get any previous exposure to "Les Miz," and if I had, I'd have loved it. Oh contraire, mon frair! (small French joke there... don't laugh too hard at my patheticness now) I actually was first exposed to this "version" of the Broadway thing back during my LDS mission in Arizona (many years ago that was now). I had a companion who wanted to listen to regular "non-approved" music (i.e.: pop stuff from the radio), but I wasn't cool with that because it was against the rules. So we listened to "Les Miz" and Phantom of the Opera over and over. I think he was hoping I'd get sick of it and cave in and listen to regular stuff. But even though I wasn't a perfect missionary, I still tried to follow the rules. Most of the time. OK, so I did do some silly/stupid stuff too, but that's besides the point.

The point is, I am familiar with the plot of "Les Miz," though I never got as attached to it as I did Phantom. That one I actually took my wife to see when the play/musical/"production"/thing came to town. We had lousy seats and it was really hot in that theater, but it was still a nice evening, all things considered. Boy, that seems like a long time ago now. Years ago it was...

Some might say that in the end, I guess you had to read the book the play is based on to really "get it" on this one. Oh wait, I did that too! In High School. My wife says this also explains why I am not a big fan of the Broadway version. Having to read books for school takes enjoyment out of them, especially when you were a teenager.

See, somebody else saw it too! / Source: Themetapicture.com

So OK kids. It's three strikes, and I'm outta here. Now if somebody would just redo the movie, using the score, but as an animated film with the characters as I have described them above (Wolverine and Catwoman and Maximus and such), I might actually bother to watch this again. I do recommend Les Misérables, by the way. It was good. Worth seeing at the cheap-seats (if it is still in them by the time I post this) or on video. It was just not my cup of tea, that's all.

So if you're not a "Les Miz" fan and have not already seen it, but are curious, I can only say that you may not hate it. It was a pretty movie, if nothing else. And it was something else, so... But then again, you may be left wondering what all the fuss is about from all these weird French folks, or why people love this story so much. I confess, I am left scratching my head a bit here. Call me a cretin. I don't mind.

As a parting aside, just slightly tangential to the subject, I say: Now if somebody would just make a Broadway musical about the Russian Revolution and then it gets big time and becomes a movie, I'm totally there.

The parting comment: